At Home and Being Alone

You will ask me, where I have gone after 28th May. I have to answer even if you don’t ask it. I had gone home at 2 pm on 29th May by train. I had a lot of things on my mind to do on my days at home. Many things had flashed through my mind while this journey. I had enjoyed being in the queue to get the passenger ticket, because there was a muslim girl just in front of me. She looked smart and attractive (never say beautiful, I have never seen a beautiful one). She noticed that I have an eye on her, and I made call to sajesh by telling “its abdul kareem”, little loudly to hear her my name. she turned back and smiled little. After this incident, she continued the same posture. I enjoyed that half an hour, and it was not boring. I looked her, she looked me…(njaan avale nokki..aval enne nokki…ha..ha…chumma…it’s a story ok..dnt believe it)she waited me until I get the ticket, but, it was 2.10 pm, train started and I lost the interest on her. We ran to the train and missed her.
Friday morning I went to Vadakra to attend Sathyans Brother’s marriage reception. It took nearly 5 hours to reach his home. After having the cool drinks I went to the mosque for Jumua(Friday prayer)Only a few person there, al others had goen to the bride’s home place for the ‘thali’ programme. I spent nearly 2 hours in his home and had ‘sadhya’ and chat with his mother, grand mother and father. I reached home after 8pm.
Saturday I got some work in our land I went to attend the PSC block development officer exam at calicut university. I was a tough exam and they asked some date of events happened in Kerala. As usual, I forget the date, I have a problem with name, date and numbers. So I felt it tough to clear the exam, eventhough I had blackened 78 question. I may score nearly 45 marks.
I had parked my motor bike in Kolappuram, so I went to my mother’s sister’s house after this exam. Her home is in Kolappuram, then I went to my mother’s home also. I had not gone my sister’s house, because they were in my home.
It is very much interesting to play with the children. Their smile erases sad feelings and takes to the heaven. I enjoy beautifully each and every kisses of them. Which is sweet and enjoyable? I like to become a child always and have a child always with me. The world without children is like a barren land, the land without water.
My sisters second child Nada Fathima took the TV remote control and came to me to ask “njaan nekkatte….eyda vendathu?(can I press?which channel you want?) She tells ‘demot” for remote control.
Sunday morning I had finished my application form to work with Dr. Shahin, then I got an invitation from my aunties home to attend a lunch party. My father, youngest sister and me went to attend the party with my sister’s children .I met a few new person there. While going there, I discussed my Mondays plan to go to a bank to get a study loan. But he rejected it by telling that he would be busy on Monday and gave me some work on Monday to do in our land. The same night, I had discussed my sister hafsath’s UG admission plan with father and mother. It was too tragic to me. They discouraged me by using few words, first my father did not turn on my idea, then my mother directly told me that the did not get any use of me, only spending money and I don’t want to discuss about their studies until I bring money to home.
Finally I came to know that they were angry on me because of my jobless condition and I was the reason to reject a proposal given to my sister fro ma gulf party. This hurt me much and I started to cry inside.
Monday morning, father’s mood was rough and I think, it was the first time my father shouting like this in life time. He shouted me to go to the field, where he is planting banana plants and do labour works. I felt sad, and If I stay there more, the situation would be more discomfortable tome. So I planned to return to Coimbatore after having lunch.My sister got an information that her friend got admission in a near by college and she also wishing to join there. She started to cry for the admission. Then my mother and father came and told me to go to the college to get admission to her.. But,it made me angry I did not obeyed them. I told my mother what she had told me yesterday “I don’t have money to send her to college even to me also”. I had to return Monday itself, so I started to Coimbatore. I asked my father (500 rent+500 mess), 1000 rupees, but father was angry and shouted “coming every week to get money, 500,1000, but no use and no return at all, you go, I don’t have money”, but he gave me 500 rupees, I started to cry inside. I know that they are angry because of my unemployment, I have heard my mother discussing it with my father “we had a lot of expectations on him, we expected he wil get a job today, tomorrow..but he want to study….no return..why do you give money to him?..”
I did not turn back and just shouted “Im going”. I was weeping inside, few eye drops fallen from my eye to my cheek and past memories flashed on my mind. The same I had experienced from my grand father. He used to give only one rupee or some time thorw the money when I ask bus charge to go school. He used to tell me to go for work and scolded me for not bringing money to home after my 10th standard.
I had worked in a tailor shop, bakery and sold the ground nuts and oranges during that time . My father did no about it. I went to work to satisfy myself and to avoid those feelings from my mind. I had stopped playing cricket and foot ball after 10th standard. I had been paid 25 rupees for a cricket match in tournaments during that time. I was an all rounder that time. But , I understood that I have born not for doing these things. The world need me, my time is valuable than everything. I heard these things on my mind. Once, I had been stopped on the way to the stadium by a person and he told me that I am not like others, my time is not to play. I did not play after that.
I never failed anywhere, and I never bowed my head for a bad thing. I felt the same things in past, so I never turned back from my decisions. Then why do I want to cry in these situations? I cannot blame anybody. Their world is different; my world is entirely different from them. It was my fault; I have never lived for them.
I have called sajesh and neetha to discuss my problems. They gave me mental support that time.
Same day I got typing works with Murali chettan, but the return was very less.I had sent my application to Dr. Shahin and spent 200 rupees for postage. I had got this money from Babitha and prageethswaran.
I need an immediate financial support to meet my mess bill and room rent, so I called to my uncle he gave me 5000 rupees. My expense for May was 2000 including room rent(450) and mess(500).
I got Nutrilite tablet for 500 rupees from santhanam, because I decided to spent as much money. I don’t have anything to worry, before this, I worried about my father’s money and my family.
I am going to change my stubbornness, and all because of the vagaries of my parents. Naturally I have predilection for change. Change and transformations are the life. I am not a rotten apple and a troglodyte or a frog in a well. These revelations are not rumpus, truly my weakness is my strength. I have a strong inquisitive nature and a Machiavellian device, otherwise I would not be here.I have a strong propensity to be calm and be patient until I reach my goal. I am fortius wit lots of fortunes.