The lesson I learned in the beginning of this year: don’t blame yourself
When the New Year started many of thoughts started to haunt me through the days and nights, majority of them was negatives and distracting one from my goal. That is enough to loss the sleep and to bring tensions and headache. Here I am narrating how did I escaped from this devil thoughts. Basically, I am an optimist and positive minded, but when I looked back to my past year, I saw a darkness and I feared that a possibility of spreading that darkness to my future also.
It was nothing but a clash between my real life and dream life. When I looked back I feared of losing my life without earning anything despite some certificates. I dreamt of becoming a scientist cum a civil servant and dreamt of studying in the top rank institutes of India. I prepared for these things myself and I did not join any institutes for coaching. I had a strong belief that I never join in any tuition centers to improve my marks and any coaching centers to score these examinations. I planned to get through all these examination with my own preparations, but I failed. Even though, I am in the brink of my dream, that I am doing PhD.
It was very difficult to deal when we have a clash in our self. When the New Year came, I questioned myself and argued with me for not achieving in the past and blamed myself. All other study related tensions; I am in the middle of another problem of not having earnings in this age, because I had to depend with my parents and my friends. I had joined for many part time works but I left them because I found that that will destructively affect my goal of getting a PhD. So, I did not find a part time job suitable to fulfill my dream. These things appeared to distract me from my path. I believe only what I can believe, so, I had many internal confrontation with my religious belief and my real thought. I had lost belief in a God described that compels us to do something for his pleasure. When my beloved left me when I needed her mental support, when I lost my belief on a God, , when my dream clashed with my parents dream, when my future haunted me, I felt terribly frustrated and broken my heart, I felt my head to explode, three days continuously I had dream of dying myself and two days continuous terrible head ache. I felt losing everything and not interested to do anything. The terrible thing is head ache, usually I don’t take medicines for headache and fever, but meditation, so I preferred to stay with this head ache and meditated even though I was not able to get a control over my thoughts. I lost three days sleep, but this morning about 4 O Clock , a thought came to my mind that there is nothing without a reason. So, I planned to analyze the reasons behind this problem. I sat on my bed and closed my eyes, then I analyzed each and every problems one by one.
I brought every situations to my mind that made me this headache and tension, I analysed what was my achievements and my faults in every situation, I found that I have achieved a lot of things that I have planned before and no need of blaming myself. I appreciated myself and continuously asserted myself that I am very special and entirely different from others, my dreams are different, I have achieved something and I can achieve what I plan. I asserted myself about my strengths and I found that the belief in a God is essential for a better future. Then I can convey my problems to him then I can expect him to solve while I solve this. I can expect him with me always when all other leave me, I can trust him when everything fails. So, I decided to strengthen my belief in Allah and to pray him as I prayed before this confrontation occurred. When the clock ticked 6 am I relieved from the head ache and tensions, I found myself as a new and fresh.
The lessen I learned from this experience is that don’t blame ourselves as you don’t like to be blamed by others, and have a faith in your God, because you can trust him in every situation.
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